What's In Snape's Room?
by UnderneathTheBridge
Summary: Snape takes you on a little tour of his apartment and explains what everything's doing there. Part Three Up-we get him drunk and search his tangerine iMac!
1. Default Chapter

Okay, this is pretty self-explanatory.  It's a little out there, kind of rambling, but my friend/guinea pig Lauren did think it was funny.  She suggested a doily and something pink.  Anything you'd like to see in Snape's room?  Write a comment and I'll credit you in *part two* if I ever do that.  Read on!

-A canopy bed "There's absolutely nothing feminine about a canopy bed.  I find them quite stylish and manly.  I believe that the Fab Five from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" would wholeheartedly agree."

-A fully stocked liquor cabinet "If you drink any, I'll curse you into the next century.  It's mine!  All mine!"

-A little book listing the names and addresses of all of the illegitimate children and other relatives (mostly female) that fanfic writers have added to his family tree "It gets a little hard to keep track of all the child support."

-A piece of posterboard on his wall with pictures of Marilyn Manson, Trent Reznor, and Davey Havok and the words "Style Icons" "What can I say?  They have looks to die for."

-A dream journal "It helps me interpret the restless emotions in my head.  What, you don't have a dream journal?  That's horrible."

-A family-size box of tissues "I do a lot of angsty brooding, some of which produces copious amounts of tears.  That's why I go to Sam's Club and buy economy-size.  What with all the child support, I'm on a pretty fixed budget." 

-50 black robes, all neatly lined up and wrinkle-free in a closet "Well, what am I supposed to wear?  I'm not a fairy like that Lockhart and his frilly pink things.  And I appreciate the value of a good iron."

-A mirror for practicing that perfect sneer "You think that just comes naturally?"

-A dusty Stairmaster "I bought that in 1982.  I've used it once."

-Books on his bookshelf:

            _Overcoming a Painful Childhood _"What with all of the horrific child abuse in my background that has been exaggerated to astounding proportions in the minds of 16-year-old female fanfic writers, it's been hard to move on.  Stop ruining my life, you little bad-Snapefic-writing-Hot-Topic-obsessed-Prozac-monkeys!"

Every book Dr. Phil ever wrote, ever "The man is a genius."

            _Nigella Bites _"I love to cook.  And hear Nigella's gorgeous accent roll off the tip of her-hey, wait, I'm British too!  Why isn't my accent that sexy?" 

_            The Difficult Consequences of Childhood Bullying _"Once again, stop-ruining-my-life!!!!"

_            Kama Sutra _"You never know when it will come in handy.  You really never know."

_            Anna Karenina _"Happy families are all alike…gets me every time."

That Hillary Clinton book "I'm not sure what I was smoking when I bought that one."

            _I'm Okay With Myself: The Guide to Boosting Self-Esteem _"Due to the fact that I am a greasy git, it's hard to really love myself."

Every _Chicken Soup for the Soul_ book ever written, ever "Yes, even the ones for pregnant women and five-year-olds.  I got the entire set for 25 bucks off on Amazon.com!!!!"

-Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner "I believe this was a not-so-subtle-hint from Professor Sprout.  Damn her."

-The Book of Mormon "I got this from Dumbledore for Christmas.  No, I don't believe he actually is a Mormon.  I didn't ask."

-Numbers in the, um, Floo Powder Network speed dial: "Personally, I don't like to yell out all those names.  I always end up at the Sam's Club liquor section due to Freudian slips.  That's why I have a speed dial."

            1-A suicide hotline "Damn!  Minerva always sneaks in here and puts this up over my…ummm…what is NOT a barely legal sex line.  NOT!!!"

            2-Grimmauld Place "Sure, you can do prank calls with Floo Powder.  Just put a towel over your head and pinch your nose.  Of course, it never works.  I think I'm just setting myself up for abuse."

            3-Lupin's house "Damn werewolf.  At least he humors me when I prank him.  Then he hands me the same freaking suicide hotline address that Minerva always gives me.  Damn werewolf."            

4-Lucius Malfoy's private line "We like to shoot some pool, drink some daiquiris, see who can withstand the Cructacius Curse the longest.  Bastard always wins."  

            5-Al-Anon "Damn you, Minerva!"

-Neutrogena Self-Tan "One of these days I'll use it.  All those bastards'll think I just got back from Cancun.  That'll show those Gryffindors.  Who's a greasy git now, Weasley?" 

-A dartboard with pictures of James and Sirius tacked on "Usually I just throw it on the ground and jump up and down on top of it, laughing maniacally.  I just learned that my room is right above where the Hufflepuff Fifth-Year girls sleep."

-A large vat of styling grease "People assume my hair's lustre and shine just comes naturally.  Well, it usually does, but sometimes natural beauty needs a little help.  Ah, who am I kidding, I haven't washed my hair since the day I bought that Stairmaster." 

-A signed picture of Lockhart "Oh…looks like I forgot to throw that away!  Yes…forgot…heh heh…"

-A pile of fan mail from Draco Malfoy "I don't know why he sends me these.  I stopped opening them when I received the one with the nude photo.  I couldn't eat for a week."

-Scrabble "I wish someone would play Scrabble with me.  I'm really quite good, but none of the teachers want to come in my room.  And I'm not dragging that thing out in the harsh, unforgiving daylight.  So I'm screwed."

-The entire first season of _Sex and the City_ on DVD "I overheard some Muggle-born students talking about it, so I bought some of these moronic disk things.  I still haven't figured out how to turn them on yet.  Hmm."

-_Cats!_ on DVD "Ditto."

-A doily "Well, everyone needs a doily.  Why, you ask?  Hmmm…I guess I've never really thought it out."

-Pink fuzzy bunny slippers "Hey, at least my feet can be happy."

-_Playboy_ "Oh, honestly.  There's nothing wrong with good, old-fashioned, heterosexual, Muggle male entertainment.  Okay, I only bought it because _Maxim_ was late last month, but that's beside the point." 


	2. Can you believe I actually put up part t...

-A postcard from the dentist that reads, "Long time no see!" "Yeah, I keep getting those.  I went once when I was sixteen on a dare, and the bastard's just never given up.  I admire his perseverance."

-A dusty beret "Ah, when I was young…I went to France to chase those gorgeous Beauxbatons girls when I was 18.  Good times…naturally, I failed miserably.  But I did get a beret."

-A large collection of Madame Alexander dolls in a glass case "Oh, for the love of-they were my mother's!  Draco may be gay, Lockhart may be gay, but I am NOT!!!  How can I prove it…just go down to Azkaban, talk to Bellatrix Lestrange, and ask her about the "Wax Paper Incident."  That's right.  She hasn't forgotten."

-A picture of Trelawney wearing nothing but strategically placed Tarot cards "Well, it was her idea.  And Flitwick's.  That man has a sick mind.  Why I still have it…well, I'm an obsessive-compulsive pack rat.  Happy?"

-A coffee table book called _Strange Things Floating in Jars _"We all need a hobby."

-Copious amounts of Swiss cheese  "Hell is a place without Swiss cheese.  And since I'll probably be going there, I really should stock up while I get the chance."

-That gray nightshirt…yeah, that one  "Why would I need good-looking sleepwear?  It's not like I'm having wild threesomes in my apartment every night…though it's not like I haven't tried to get any started.  I got this close with Trelawney and a Hufflepuff prefect one night…_this close_…"

-Tickets to _The Passion of the Christ_  "I don't know where I got these or what I'm going to do with them…I think Dumbledore might have been handing them out.  Yeah, now that I think about it…I thought that they were for a porno called _Harry Potter and the Leather Slave of Azkaban_.  I was probably drunk.  Heh.

-A Hillary Duff poster  "Oh, god…get the hell out of my closet, you idiots!  Okay, that's it.  This ends _now_."


	3. What's on Snape's tangerine iMac?

            But first, a word from Severus:

"Did you not hear me?  I _said_ that I wouldn't be allowing you to do this any more!  It's invasive, and it's pointless, and—is that vodka?  All right, come on in.  I'm all out of vodka."

-A tangerine iMac  "Well, it just fits.  Why do I always have an iMac in these stories?  Everyone wants me to have an oddly colored iMac for some goddamn reason….do you think I'm a FRUIT??????  Oh my GOD!!!!  Listen, people, I don't know how many times I have to say this, but…………SEVERUS SUSANNA SNAPE IS NOT—oh, damn.  I really shouldn't have drank that entire bottle of vodka before I started this thing."

On his tangerine iMac:

-A desktop image of Sailor Saturn from _Sailor Moon_  "So I lust over somewhat gothic Japanese schoolgirls in really short skirts.  So what?  Oh, it's not like any of you fanfic writers should have a problem with that.  Honestly—me and Hermione?  That's even nastier, in my personal opinion.  Where do you people get this stuff from?  It boggles the mind."

-_The Sims_  "I make Sims that look like everyone I hate and kill them.  I made James, Sirius, and Remus starve to death, and I made Potter get electrocuted by a broken computer, and everyone else I just drown in a pool.  Disturbed?  Probably.  Fun?  Definitely."

Songs on his iTunes:

-_Hurt_, Johnny Cash  "I cry every time I hear this song.  Every damn time.  It just rings so true to my depressing, awful life of loneliness, depression, and substance abuse.  Oh, and I wear more black than Johnny Cash EVER did.  Just for the record."

-_Hey Ya_, Outkast  "I have had this song…..stuck in my head……for about a month……it's driving me insane………heyyyyyyy ya…..hey ya……."

-_So Yesterday, _Hilary Duff  "Aw, damn, I might as well just admit it.  Hilary Duff rox my sox.  It's true."

-_I Don't Want to Miss a Thing_, Aerosmith  "I wish I was in love….I wish somebody loved me…..other than Draco, that is.  Will I ever find love?  Not with my luck.  With my luck, I'll probably die in the next book." 

-_(Can't Get No) Satisfaction_, The Rolling Stones  "Well, I _can't_ get no satisfaction.  Honestly.  Nothing ever goes my way in the books.  Have you noticed?  I think J.K. Rowling has something against pale guys with hooked noses or something.  Bitch." 

Bookmarked websites:

-alcoholicsanonymous.com  "All right, Minerva, all right.  I get the picture.  Who taught her how to hack computers, anyways?"

-magicaldatingservice.com  "Those Internet dating services are pretty scary.  For example, once I ended up meeting Professor Sprout for a date.  She seemed to think it was hilarious.  She's such an evil woman."

-fanfiction.net  "Hey, why not?"

-hilaryduffroxmysox.com  "Can't you people just let this go?"

-dracomalfoyswebcam.com  "Oh, God!  Who taught Draco to hack computers, too?  That's the most disgusting…..hmmm, I'm strangely intrigued."

And finally, another word from Severus:  "You're not going to put this up anywhere, right?  Right?  You are?  I'm….so….disappointed in you!  I opened my soul to you people, and this is how you repay me?  I'm never talking to you again.  Unless you bring some really good bourbon next time."


End file.
